Drowning…A Thought Always On My Mind!

Drowning is something no one ever wants to do, though it sounds some what interesting I’d be afraid to go through with it, ever.  But why does my mind stay fixated on the thought and theory of its out come or process? Am I suicidal, no. Am I curious, yes, but why? People drown all the time whether it was on purpose or by accident but knowing your drowning is terrifying never mind something to wonder about. My cousin had drowned about Eight years ago while he was at his parents cabin, the out come, horrific especially for my Aunty who watched him drown in front of her.

From what I’ve been told the story never changes My aunty watched my cousin drown and all the life guard did was nothing ” He’s fine, Just wrestling with his cousin.” But He wasn’t. Instead, He was slowly dying and my other cousin was trying to save him and when that failed He just disappeared into the water. That day was the last day we were ever going to see him, since then the thought of drowning always crosses my mind. I always see people laughing at the thought, people whispering about what’s happening instead of doing something about it, crying and just plain numb from the pain. When I was at my lowest point in life I thought of suicide and ways to do it such as; taking pills, drinking too much, running in front of a speeding car and then I thought ”why can’t I just drown?” it seemed easy and painless beautiful even  but it’s not and I never went through with anything. I just got help. Even after the help I still have that thought but not in a bad way just curiously.

Drowning,,, A beautiful or not beautiful death, that depends…!

The silence of the wind with the movement of the water against you, the cold wetness sending shock waves throughout your body giving you shivers. The fresh smell of the waves you inhale, toxic water now becoming stronger carrying your body from a drift. Trying to reach the surface to inhale some air but cant find a gap to breathe. Slowly suffocating while water fills your lungs and stops your heart, becoming weak and light headed not strong enough to keep swimming. Your eyes finally become opened and sting from the cold water with dirt and algae, you start to calm down from the panic you were once feeling because your becoming numb. Within hours maybe even minutes your life might become nothing, your legs are wrapped in seaweed and you start to sink, bubbles surround you and your nose hurts. Finally the pain and panic stop and you float back to the surface after you relax, your body cold as ice and blue from suffocation, Drowning couldn’t be your only destination.

That’s what drowning feels like and looks like in or out of my head it seems peaceful but its not, its lonely, painful and scary but why does the thought still cross my mind, this I’ll never know.

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