The Dream Land of Lost Love & Reality

Dreams what do they mean? Well lately I’ve been wondering the same thing because my dreams have been really fucked up but on the other hand some of them aren’t as fucked as most, my best friend has this dream decoder where she explains to me the main things I dream about sometimes those end up being the most normal ones and when I have a messed up dream they become confusing. Let me tell you something there was this guy I used to like when I was working at a restaurant and he was the complete opposite of prince charming, in fact he was a gangster, yes a gangster; he did his time and sold drugs no lie, but there was something that I grew attached to. He had this amazing personality that not everyone saw especially the girls at work they all thought he was an asshole which don’t get me wrong he was but only for so long,

I noticed after a week of knowing him that he was different but not by much. He fit my description of ‘types’ tall, dark and handsome with the most sexy mysterious dark brown eyes and a corky grin he always provided when I saw him. To others he was just a dirty drug dealer who would sleep with who ever he got his hands on and a short tempered cook but to me he was just D, a mysterious troubled criminal that was bipolar someone that I connected with or though I thought. After working with him for so long he gave me his number so I could buy weed off him (when I smoked at the time)  and told me text him anytime so since then I started buying off him, this shit was amazing very potent, then once our boss went away for two weeks we became a bit closer. He would be at work almost every night when I was working just the two of us in the back talking and joking having a good time, he made me feel safe and comfortable but also nervous and shy he was also very open about his life, well most of it at least, but me on the other hand I wasn’t so open I kept my life private.

Falling for him more and more each night I couldn’t help myself but with all the shit people were saying about him behind his back I couldn’t help but re-think things with him but then no matter what I kept falling for him after he walked me home smoking a joint in the dark of the night /early morning, offering to hold my jacket before I let it fall to the cold ground covered in snow, giving me good deals on my dope, offering to smoke his with me letting me in his house everything had me hypnotized and the thing that hurt the most was his loneliness. I saw everything through his eyes the mystery wasn’t his life it was him, his soul was almost pure but he showed nothing more than guilt and pain and along came the cockiness that he used as his cover up only letting certain people in for all the wrong reasons and yet he just got burned in the end. He was a really good friend to me when I needed one and I tried to be his but he wouldn’t let me I was just the girl next door down the block who worked with him, who he thought couldn’t tell who he really was what he felt or thought but I did and it hurt not just him but me as well.

I think I really loved him in away no one else would but he would never know because I became distant when things got bad, I had more similarities to him than I thought I pushed the right people away instead of letting them in and in return I just got burned. After a while he became a different person he started becoming the man everyone said he was, a dirty drug dealer who just wanted to get laid didn’t care if he got hurt or returned the favour to another and once he stopped working with me I didn’t see him a lot I wanted to get clean so I stopped going over and the process slowly drifted from us. I still feel that connection with him no matter how much I don’t want to admit it but I do he might have not even noticed but I know he’s a real person and he has a big heart someone will be glad to find it one day if he ever lets it show.  All my memories consist of now are the good ones where we shared half a burger, shared a red bull, and had some good laughs, but now I don’t see him haven’t in almost a year.

I just dream of him (not in a dirty way, well maybe once but hey we all have those) but I really just dream to see him smile see him live and maybe be happy for once for real in his life. The dreams I’ve recently had were a bit scary I had one dream where I was in an apartment building and I seen him and a friend then the next thing I know I hear gunshots out side and he’s taken to the hospital, then I’m in an empty drive way on a dirt road saying goodbye to this car that’s leaving with his smile just looking at me. God the dream felt so god damn real I needed to message him to see if he was still alive when I seen that he was I felt relief. then last nights dream felt real too, it relates to a question I asked him the other month regarding if he’d ever date someone like me, of course no reply, but this dream he did reply he told me that he didn’t want to use or hurt someone like me and that I deserved better. I mean I already knew that but it was just a question yes or no not some other answer which I wasn’t expecting he seemed concerned and I told him (still m dream) that I really loved him not just because he’s hot but because I see the pain in his eyes and I felt this connection between us but he denied it, of course because like I said he pushes the right people away.

I’m not going to lie  told my best friend that I was over him but that’s just a lie not just to her but to myself as well even after not seeing him for a year I still feel for him and I can’t help it I just can’t. You cant turn off your feelings  for someone no matter how hard you try to you just cant unless your hearts ready and honestly mine isn’t not yet at least. My heart needs the answers before it lets go, and so does his. see I tend to think some dreams are meant for something and mean something truly, and others well they are just pretty fucked up and I believe that you can communicate to the person through the dream sometimes and maybe just maybe I will find the answers I’m looking for until then he’s just my long lost BEL AMI ❤

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