The Darkness Of My Demons Past!!!

As the days come and go I still stay the same, with all the thoughts and fixations lingering in and around my mind, I contemplate the life worthy necessities that bring me to these conclusions and each day I decide if any of it is worth my time. And in the end the answers always the same numbing factor I concentrate on, strength and hope are my only two remaining appeals. It has been officially two and a half years since I have become clean from my demanding demons, of now vague scars, and I still wonder how I did it. I mean the factor isn’t really hard to decode but the simplicity of it rejoices my train of thought. Over the last two and a half years I had to over come the mental and physical urges to be where I am today some might think quitting self mutilation isn’t that hard but they are wrong because it is in fact hard more so mentally then physically. When I was at the young age of thirteen I began to spiral out of control, not the way most might think but somewhat like it however no so dangerously, I began drinking, smoking pot, cigarettes and I began cutting my left inner wrist as well which ended up being the most uncontrollable addiction I encountered.  I had depression and I didn’t know I had it at the time until years later.  When I took the first swig of alcohol of course I didn’t like it just as I did with cigarettes and marijuana but that isn’t what happened when I gave my wrist the first scar. After that I was hooked on the feeling it provided me but in the year of 2012 when I was seventeen and in my last few months of being a senior in high school I decided I needed to quit since I had already gone to counseling in the past which didn’t work but ended up providing me the necessary things I needed to cope. I honestly cant remember how I quit but I know it wasn’t easy that’s for sure, a few months before I had quit I had tried counseling and I took meds for three months I also wrote a lot about my feelings I gained support from family and friends knowing I couldn’t do it alone and thought it took a while and a lot of strength I did it, and to this day I have not cut since and I am very proud of myself I also help others who are going through the same process but over the last few days I have been feeling very depressed and I remember waking up with a scratch on my upper inside left wrist how it got there I have no Idea. I know for a fact I didn’t cut but over the last few days I have seen it and the urge comes to me but I know I am strong and wont do it but knowing it’s there and I somehow got it from something bothers me a lot and it makes me afraid I will fall into that place again. I never want to go into that place again and I notice my self getting really depressed lately so before my mind tricks its self like before (meaning in that dark place) I have decided to look into counseling one on one session to get better before I fall back into the darkness of my demons. I still write a lot not matter what, I am a writer I do what I do and I am grateful for everything even being in that dark place because it made me see who I wanted to be and made me realize that its an addiction and there are others who need help to and I want to be someone who not only helps because I want to but I want to help because I need to and understand what they go through but in order to do that I need to stay strong and I know I can and will. Don’t get me wrong its still hard to this day even after two and a half years but I survive.


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