The Funeral Monologue

What do you even wear to a funeral, does it have to be all black or can there be colour added in just not white and as long as it is fancy clothing not something you wear to a bar or club but not an interview either it has to be casual such as a wedding but instead its a funeral. Is a funeral even something to attend in all honesty I would rather remember them the way they were in my head with my kept away memories, or should you just attend and still remember those but this time your keeping them forever because that person you shared them with is no longer around to make more. When my cousin was sick in the hospital dying from cancer, having seizures and falling, feeling weak and not even eating he was surrounded with family and friends people who’ve shared memories with him and still needed to make more I couldn’t take myself to go to the hospital because I couldn’t and I didn’t want to remember him like that, all skinny and pale, looking weak and stoned not eating or talking, only dying. Yes I love him he is my cousin and I want to be there to say goodbye but I cant do hospitals too many bad things happen in them to many people dye. And the way my mind works Ill be stuck with nightmares of him seizing Ill remember him sick when he shouldn’t have been sick in the first place but cancer does that to you it laughs at your family and friends it laughs at you because you fight for your life trying to survive and some make it but most don’t. I would rather say goodbye with my memories of him when he was healthy and happy they way he was supposed to live they way he left us in my mind. personally I think this is my way of grieving his loss and knowing he is OK still because my memory of him lives on and that’s how I see him as if he isn’t even gone so this helps me hurt this helped me move on I wish others could understand what I feel and why. But everyone has their own way of grieving its all part of life but life only gives you something to cherish for so long until it lets one of us go then it is only our memory holding on to what was and what is. so tell me what do you even wear to a funeral?

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