after changing to fit into society, eventually you want your old self back

This is true, knowing from personal experiance. Growing up all I wanted was to fit in be pretty and be popular my friends I had in grade k-2 started to become my enemies bullying me making me feel like my life was nothing but a joke, when something like that happens at such a young age it messes with you and then you become the person you never thought youd be  telling yourself im not going to smoke, im not going to drink, im not going to do anything that may seem ‘bad’ but when you want to fit in thats when you start doing things. Growing up I was always bullied and I was a thinner girl until grade 6 I had hit puberty and my body gained weight, sure somesay it is hereditory maybe, but I became so depressed all I wanted to do was fit in before grade 6 I started lying, swearing,stealing, and being a bully myself why? Because I wanted to fit in I wanted to be cool I wanted friends that liked me sure every kid is bad at times and does bad things but I chose to be bad I chose to lie not only to my mom and ‘friends’ but to myself  I alwayd told myself someday youll be happy someday youll be popular grade 8 is when it all changed my life took a toll I began smoking, drinking and getting high I also met my worst nightmare the one that would stay with me and be my guider my healer my escape, Introduced the blade to my white inner wrist of my left arm. Wearing make up, trying to dress a certain way, stealing lying swearing drinking smoking getting high cutting and skipping class and talking shit to bitches that talked back to me, I was so close to being popular I hungout with the IN crowd at school mostly girls who would insome way bully me into doing now retarded shit at school the girls who wore all the make up had the best clothes the cutest guys hanging out with them I was in. Yet somehow I still went home and cried myself to sleep at night. By day i was lying to myself sucking in my now fat stomach, barely eating skipping classes almost getting into  fights. I felt like this is where I wanted to be but I was empty inside. My blade and my tears wear my only real friends I was still being bullied especially from the boys,  I was teased and asked on dates and to choose mcdonalds or burger king theg would laugh I would pretend to be okay and say fuck you youre ugly when really I was inside crying. I talked shit about a friends sister to another friend who ended up not being the person I thought just to get a HUGE group of people I worked so hard o be friends with cone at me after school oneday and try to kick the shit out of  me but because my brother was there all they did was pour a full slurpee over my head and spit on me. I was back to square one, the beginning of what i did to getwhere I was did i want to even try to go back? I did grade 10 when i moved to bc I felt maybe I could start over noone knows me I was wrong I met people who were my friends who ended up betraying me in the end I wasnt even close to being popular there because they talked to me loured me in then turned on me the day i was supposed to be in my life was nothing but lies nothing but hard work to be someone im not my life became a victum to a disease that i did not want my life fell apart I was lonley depressed cutting struggling with my weight on and off and struggling to find who I wanted to be but I never found myself to this day I still struggle witg my demons but I grew up alot since then I now know  who my friends truly are, I have over come my nightmare of cutting which still haunts me daily I try much harder to love myself and not lie tomyself  about things but to be honest I will never be the same young innnocent girl I once was in grade K -2


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