I said NO….

Is it rape or sexual assault? Or both? I honestly dont know, what I do know is I didnt feel comfortable with what happened, I said NO, I felt forced and I felt ashamed in my own apartment. A place where I should feel safe and comfortable, yet that night I didnt feel that way and for the next couple of days I felt ashamed and hated myself, I know its not my fault as people say but I feel like it is somehow I feel I played a part. Guess thats how we all feel dont we? 

It all started when I was working at a callcenter as a team lead( supervisor) he was new to our team and I being the TL had to be nice and show him how things worked, I was also being nice because I know how it feels to be judged and disliked so I thought I would give him a chance, though he gave off a vibe of discomfort I didnt notice it much. A few months in he began talking to people especially my agents and myself, and everytime he talked it was sarcastic, joking and kind of rude. Then he began talking about women hes hooked up with, how manytimes, how good or bad they were in bed, how he likes certain “looks”. At first I brushed it off as him being a guy, guys do that type of thing but then my agents (who are my good friends now)  mentioned they didnt like him because of the way he acts and talks, hes rude, sarcastic and gross not to mention how he continues to talk about and degrade women and talk about his sex life. He also tries to hit on all the girls at work, thinks he has a chance with them and if he got denied he would complain and call them bitchy. 

I being his boss, told him several times to smarten up and to stop being unprofessional at work and to stop talking so vulgar about things and since I could never tell if he was being sarcastic or not to stop that too. Even though my friends didnt like him and he did what he did I brushed it off giving him the benifit of doubt, trying to be his friend and be nice to him,I gave him my number to talk about this stuff outside of work and to keep work work related. I was trying to help him decide to go back to school full time or part time or not and if he wanted to live alone or with a roomate because I live alone I gave him the best advice I could. And told him I would assist him in looking if he wanted help. Sometimes he bacame to annoying and then he began talking about my friends behind their back, I listened but never daid anything but “thats their business who cares, dont need to know” and then Id tell them and they knew. Becasue he likes to talk. 33 years old and hes acting like a highschool boy, now I was starting to realize the situation and how uncomfortable this was becoming. I got annoyed, told him to stop becase I can get him fired and its not his buisness what people do outside of work. Most of which he told me were rumours and lies, if some were true who cares wasnt our buisness only theirs so how he knew I had no idea.

Last month I got fired from my job at that place, and a week later I was having wine, I had 1 glass of wine, there was enough for 2.5 only, and I sip it when I dont have much, it was a stressful day so I needed it. I got a text from him and I being a friend and being bored invited him over to my place. Once he arrived we began talking and again he talked about the same bullshit he always talks about regarding girls and friends at work. I offered him a glass and we drank it, I  was sober, not even buzzed or tipsy and suddenly he asked me a random question whih caught me off gaurd. 

“Have you ever been with a black guy?” He seemed very blunt I gave him my answer which was no, I have never really been attracted to black guys, not because of their colour just never have except will smith. Then he asked me if I ever would try and then kept asking me more questions, I began feeling uneasy. Then the last question he asked was “are you a good kisser?” And I caught off gaurd responded “not sure never been told otherwise” then he said “Ill have yo test that” and before I could say what he kissed me. When I pulled away he said I was and wanted more. Now I felt very uneasy a little in shock but mostly uncomfortable with the situation. He said hes been attracted tl me since we met and never said anything cause I was his boss and that he felt the attraction towards him too. That was weird because I didnt have an attraction towards him in anyway possible esp after what just happened. He then kept kissing me and asking me to have sex “lets just try it” he says while standing infront of me, “um no its weird” I said yet that didnt stop him he grabbed my hand and lead me to my bed, kissing me and kissing my neck, when I told him NO I didnt want this I felt weird and this was weird and I bruise easy not to leave a mark, yet he did and didnt listen. I was in my own apartment SOBER and uncomfortable, with someone I thought was a friend taking advantage of me. 

Next thing I know Im bottomless and hes naked on top of me “lets just try it, come on its not weird” I tried to believe that I felt so uneasy I felt shocked and uncomfortable but I let it happen. when he put it in it hurt and I began to bleed “are you on your period?” He asks, at this point ny body is so stiff I cant move “um no” I say and I stare at the ceiling, “please get off of me” I say quietly “why?” He asks “just get off this is weird” “no its not I like this” he says with a smile “its fine its just blood” ‘just blood….JUST BLOOD its my blood you idot and I dont want this I screamed’ in my head but then I say “get off this is weird Im uncomfortable please” and it takes him a moment and then he rolls off. I lay there stiff legs bent and arms covering myself “why are you so stiff and hiding” he asks “please just get dressed and get off my bed” I say he doesnt move and neither do I, “get dressed” I say again and he finally does.  Theres silence awkward uncomfortable dirty silence. I get my pants on and go rinse my mouth out trying to get his saliva out of my mouth and off of me,in my head i was crying but on the outside I was fuming. 

“We will continue this next time when the timing is right” he says coming to my kitchen “no we wont” I say “”yes we will trust me” he replies. “Im sorry if I led you on or was too nice to yoy that confused you and yes Im flirty and sometimes I cant help it but Im not into you like that and never have been and I was trying to be a friend to you since no one likes you, but what just happened was unfomfortable for me its not happening again” I say looking at my window. “Im the victim here” he says sarcasticly as hes trying to joke, that set me off, I was a victim I said NO I felt weird and went with it because I was scared in my own home where I should never be scared. I was being nice beig a friend and he took advantage of that thought I liked him sexually when I didnt I never have, never will. But I invited him in, i gave him my number, I gave off the vibe when I didnt mean to I didnt even notice I had.  After he got dressed he left and he messaged me some sick joke “your lips taste better than kentucky fried chicken” and i never responded and never heard from him again. 

Didnt matter he left a huge hickey mark on my neck unable to cover up, I was sore below and ashamed of what just had happened. I was scared and didnt want the guy I was hooking up with knows him and doesnt like him (because of the exact reasons my friends know of and now I know the reasons, they became clear to me after what happened) to find out. If he found out hed hate me, I couldnt let him findout, but this guy likes to talk hes 33 and acts as a highschool frat boy wanna be. The next night I went to a party with ny friends from that job and hungout with them, I needed to tell them because I could trust them and they didnt like him anyways so it would help. They were pissed they said if he talked about me they would kick his ass. Good. I still felt disgusted.

That weekend I drank alot, to have a good time and to forget about what he did to me, but I couldnt instead my family noticed the mark hed left and teased me until I broke down crying. My grandma asked me what happened and I told her crying realizing I had been assulted in my own apartment and felt dirty and it was my fault. My grandpa was drunk and didnt hear the convo until he joked about the mark “this is why you didnt want me to pick you up” he didnt notice my tears until my grandma told him, he was pissed. And when my grandpa drinks he has a good time hes fun, and drunk however it seemed like this sobered him up for a good ten minutes, long enough to tell me to call him if ANYTHING like that ever happened agina doesnt matter where I am he would take care of it. That no guy should ever do that to me and that its not my fault because I said no. I love my grandpa hes one of my best friends and that meant a lot coming from him. I know he means it. 

For a while I tried to ignore it, push it away to the back of my head bit its still there and I always question myself but I know now that is was not my fault and that something worse could have happened as well if I hadnt done it. And that saying no means no not maybe not sure not okay. It means NO and just because I was being nice and friendly and have a flirty personality does NOT mean I want anything from it. Just like how i dress doesnt mean I want it NO MEANS NO….you are not a tease you are not a slut it is not your fault and you are not alone. You are a victim but dont let it control you all it will do is drive you insane. If this or anything similar has happened to you please tell someone and you can get through this you are not alone and it is NOT your fault. We did not choose this to happen to us and honestly your family and friends are the best support systems out there if you cant trust anyone but them, but please tell someone because this can not keep happening 

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