Sitting here at my best friends house who Ive known since grade 10 and havent seen for 7 years is nice, though it gets kind of depressing because I feel as if I am missing something in life. She like most of my current friends, has a fiance, a house, vehicle and 2kids with another on the way. Her fiance has a great paying job, hard labour because hes a roofer, and makes money from his hobby which is flipping trailers, houses and garages. They pretty much have the perfect life in my eyes, only problem she has is she never graduated highschool because of her son she had but shes going for her GED.
For the longest time when I was messed up with my depression I was cutting, I was self consious and hating myself I wanted a family and to be married by age 25 maybe because I was trying to fill some void and have something in life make me happy for once. But now that Im 5 years clean and finally starting to be happy with myself I dont want kids, even though I love kids I personally dont want any of my own, however I do still want to be married.
I am a very independant person to the point where it scares me sometimes, Im at that stage where I know what I want inlife and why I want it, Im in control of my own money, I have my own place, I go by my own rules. I grew up fast taking care of my brother and cousins at an age where I should have been a child but I was the mother figure, I cleaned I cooked I did things a mother should do. I went through a lot in life to get me where I am today and its not that my mother was a bad mom she had her issues, shes bipolar with severe anxiety and if you have or know anyone who has this youll understand. My mentality is older than my age I have knowledge and experiances in somethings that a person in there 40’s would know and have, Im only going to be 23 years old but I feel 40. This might have an impact on why Im so independant because when I was going through those phases I also put everyone else first before I put myself and now that I live alone and m clean and basically raised children I can be my own person. I know who I am but everyday is a new lesson in my life and a new experiance and Im also not only figuring out who I am Im accepting it and growing and learning more about myself than I thought I already knew. I am a very independant person where even the times I struggle Id rather not rely on people who are offering to help because I feel I can and should do it on my own, which I do. But Ive come to realize its okay to ask for help and its okay to need help, it doesnt make me less of a person infact it makes me a better person and teaches me that lifes obsticles are only obsticles that can be removed and dont last forever. Im only human, life isnt easy never was never will be because if it were what kind of person would that make me? With all my hardships and successes I always have a new lesson in life, and it only makes me stronger and more independant. Though sometimes I worry I may be too independant that I set high standards for people to be in my life especially men. It might scare them off or intimidate them because I dont NEED them. I dont but it doesnt mean I dont WANT them. I just need someone who is okay with what I do and how I do my life. I need someone who can be just as independant as I am. But we can be a team, I am very thankful for my life and what its showed me and what I have learned and theres so much more to come in the up coming years, I just feel like somethings missing.
I dont want to fill a void that I am unsure of, I KNOW for a FACT I dont want kids, and people tell me that I will change my mind but I wont infact I already have because I did want then now I dont and wont. And just because I am a female doesnt mean I should have to have them there are tons of successful women without kids, theres even successful couples without and Ive met some people whove had children only because they feel they werent loved enough by someone or because they thought they had to have kids to be happy, normal or to fill a void as if theyve been missing something in life and alot of those people (as much as they really love their kids) regret those decisions because its not what they wanted and alot of them still feel like theres a part of their lives missing and arent sure what it is. I dont want to be that person, I am NOT that person and I already know that.
Yet I still feel like somethings missing in life and though I know its not kids, I know its something else just not sure what yet. I have all the time in the world to figure that out and its going to take time, sometimes it saddens me because I dont know what it is yet but thats okay Im only 22. I do know that I want to one day get married, I one day want to travel someplaces (if not the whole world), I do want an education and to learn a language or two, I even want to have a good career and hopefully maybe a car and house of my own one day but until then I am okay with living in the now and going with the flow. There are a few lessons Ive learned and the most important ones Id like to share.
1. “Its okay”
Its okay to be independant, its okay to love yourself, its okay to feel the way you feel, its okay to be wrong, its okay to have feelings and to express them its okay to be happy.
2. Life is never easy
Life is NEVER handed to you on a silver platter, life is NEVER easy and life will ALWAYS have obsticles. If life was easy what and who would that make you as a person?
3. Good things happen when you least expect them
Ive never realized this until I suddenly stopped wishing. I gave up on expecting things to go my way and when I wasnt realizing it things worked out as best as possible without wishing.
Lifes reality is only as hard as you decide to make it, so dont push for something you cant control, everyone has a destination in the end but its the journey that makes the ride worth waiting for, enjoy it because you only live once 🙂