Where loneliness lies

Lately Ive been pretty lonely, hell Ive been lonely from a while but lately its been really bothering me. I had a “friend” but we only hungout occasionally, usually to drink or smoke a joint, he was a good friend at times, others he wasnt. Guess things between us got complicated I was “that girl” who fell for him and in the end it never really worked out. But it wasnt really working in the first place, Im always alone, I was alone 2 years before he came along and played the game. We started off as co workers, who then moved to friends who then got sexual and close, sometimes to close thats where things got complicated I think. I never intended to have feelings for him I went into the game not expecting to lose nor win though I ended up losing in the end. Isnt it ironic how thins end up? Maybe I need to learn how to seperate feelings from lust sometimes its hard especially when intamacy is involved. How do people do it? Sex with no feelings, nothing but the “wham bamn thank you ma’am” senario? I wish I could do that it would be such an easier task. Though my anxiety doesnt help it either, once you get comfortable with someone (especially one who gets you so well and vice versa) its hard to start over once again. Its scary, scary someone wont appreciate you or want you or even talk to you like they used to, though at the same time its a rush of relief to start fresh, become someone different but then you cant. I was comfortable with him, and even though we only had sex when we hungout when it was irrelavent to drink or get high we still talked though we talked almost all the time, as if we were together. I may be new to the friends with benifits world but I do know some things like you dont talk to you fwb everyday, you dont tell persobal stuff to them, you dont cuddle after sex, you dont hold hands, you dont sleepover, you dont play them your guitar especially one of their fave songs all it does is confuses them and complicates things. Ive felt lonely for awhile and even though he & I hooked up more than once and built this friendship wall around us, I still felt lonely, maybe because I knew deep down what we were doing and what we had was nothing but a false void, which ended up falling apart in the end anyways. Seeing all if ny friends in a relationship for loger than 1 year makes me happy for them but deep down inside me I feel pain, lonely sad pain. I was only good for one thing sex, when I asked him he told me it was more than just that I was a “good friend” but what does that mean? What else am I good for I have never had a relationship longer than 6 months, I know I am pretty and have a good heart and good age mentality but it seems like none of that ever matters unless its relevant to them at some point, the issue Im plus sized “fat” but so what? My weight does NOT define my worth, I am NOT worthless, I can be wild in bed or at the bar but I am good enough to take home to be a wife one day, I can be good and a passionate person but no one stays long enough to notice or if they do Im not the type they eant to bring home because why? Im not skinny? Im not fit? Since when did weight have to do with being haply and inlove?  Love should not be labeled, it should not have a weight, nor a colour or gender. Love is Love beauty comes in ALL shapes & sizes if it didnt we wouldnt be on this earth. Im so sick and tired of being the “third wheel” or the “good friend” or the “pretty for a fat girl” I just want to be happy and loved for who I am how can I love myself if no one else wont? I fo love myself but each day a little piece of me falls apart when I see that happy couple  I dont want to just have casual sex (even though it may feel good and be fun in the monent) I want to have romantic, passionate sex where I feel loved, appreciated and wanted. I want to have someone who comes home every night to say “I love you” not someone who says “thank you that was fun goodnight”. I dont want to fill the lonely void with sex, or flirting or even half ass fwb. I also dont want to change the way my body looks just to please someone else to make me happy, so many people change their looks or life around to please others when its not even something to please themselves, I dont want to fill a void with just meaninless sex, heartbreaks and headaches. I want to be loved and they say one day some day someone will love you for who you are but when will that day come?  Love yourself before others can love you, I do but lately I love myself less because I feel like this loneliness is taking a toll on me,who will love me to the poit where I shouldnt have to only love myself in the end. Teres enough of me to love for 2 people (myself & another). Everyone says you have family & friends who love you, I know that but we all know its not the same type of love we all long for, so when will my love arrive? When will love arrive to where the loneliness lies?


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